​Support.  That word can seem so vague.  It seems like a word we see most often as a topic for store greeting cards.  As we know, our experiences aren’t usually soothed by reading greeting cards.  What would actually bring us comfort?  Support.  True blue face-to-face connection with another human.
 
Seems easy enough, right?  Ummm, no.  This is actually one of the ways in which we struggle the most as women.  We’re often too busy, too raw, or haven’t built the networks we need when we’ve hit that wall of being perfectly tired.
 
Many of us struggle to create solid relationships, because they require vulnerability.  We’d like the rules to be that we only need to open up when a trusting friendship is guaranteed.  But, sadly, it doesn’t work that way.  We slowly build relationships through sharing pieces of ourselves with someone else.  If we stay walled up then other people can’t know us.
 
What’s the big deal about having friends, we’re JUST FINE, right?  No, we’re not fine and science has backed the importance of friendship.  The Journal of Social Work shared research about how the commitment to the role of friend in aging adults was the strongest predictor for well-being (stronger than income or marital status).  The Journal of Adolescent Research found that developing quality new friendships greatly impacted the adjustment of first-year college students to the university environment.  Friendships help us navigate new situations, lower our anxiety, and shift our whole perspective on life.  

​Okay, so how do we do that?  We’re not kids anymore and making friends as adults can be really hard.  I’d recommend starting by figuring out something you love to do.  Do you like exercising or going to the library?  Maybe you enjoy church or bunko groups?  Commit to doing that thing you love every week.  Consistency is key here.  My guess is that if you keep showing up you’ll encounter like-minded people that may become your friends over time.
 
When these friends are within your reach it is a matter of opening up slowly…like a garage door.  Ha!  I know that’s a goofy analogy, but we need to mindfully reveal our lives and hearts to others.  It’s leaning into a conversation instead falling into it and sharing too much (we call this a vulnerability hangover).  The most important part, however, is that you do share a part of yourself.  Maybe you can’t see it right now, but you’re so worth knowing.  You have something special within you that only you can give. 
 
Take this opportunity to begin building up your support system.  You can take your time and enjoy the process.  You’re on your way to improving your well-being one friendship at a time.

Wholeheartedly, 
Jen

​©2023 Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.

Self-care...what does that even mean?  When I ask the women in my world about self-care I often get a steady stare which is followed by either the question, "What do you mean?" or the answer, "None, no self-care at all."  The idea of self-care makes us squirmy, because we often connect it with selfishness or frivolousness.  We make up judgments like, "How in the world do you expect me to stop what I'm doing...can't you see that I have ALL of THIS to take care of?"

Yes, I see ALL that you are holding.  You are running the ship, tending to the emotions of your household, making ends meet, and being there for everyone.  I get it.  However, when self-care is low our energy suffers, our attitude becomes negative, and we can't show up to our projects or relationships with clarity.  Taking a moment to nurture yourself sets you up to be in the best alignment for yourself, your relationships, and your work.

When I ask you to picture a self-care activity, what comes up for you?  Many of you might picture a passive activity like a warm bubble bath, a massage, or savoring a treat of some kind.  Taking time to receive is absolutely an act of self-care.

However, self-care is also active.  As you move through your life, my guess is that your brain rotates through a list of ideas, to-dos, and tasks that all seem pressing.  Each of these things seem important, but we only have so many hours in a day and we can't get to them all.

In The ONE Thing by Gary Keller, he writes, "When each day begins, we each have a choice.  We can ask, 'What shall I do?' or 'What should I do?'  Without direction, without purpose, whatever you 'shall do' will always get you somewhere.  But when you're going somewhere on purpose, there will always be something you 'should do' that will get you where you must go.  When your life is on purpose, living by priority takes precedence."

What takes priority in your life?  When we get really clear about this question, just a small number of things seem vital.  Our health, our financial stability, our relationships (to name a few).  The active part of self-care brings our priorities front and center so that we can act on them in order to better care for ourselves.  This might mean creating a monthly financial budget, meal prepping on weekends, scheduling your annual physical, or making an appointment for yourself.

These self-care activities aren't necessarily fun and sometimes they're hard.  The acts themselves are literally a way of looking after ourselves so that we're safe, healthy, and nurtured.  Only you know where you want to go and what your priorities are.  You get to choose your next step with the deepest care of yourself in mind.  You run the show.  You're incredibly important.  

                                                                                                                                                                    - JPB

©2023 Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.
​

Say, "No", right now to yourself.  Let it roll off your tongue and through your lips.  No, no, nopedy, nope, no, no, no.  This one word will be your sacred guide back to the life you want to lead.

We all have a calling in this life.  When we are quiet enough we can feel the pull towards a life that's filled with love, joy, and purpose.  Saying "no" allows us to open up space to live for this purpose.  This "no" makes room for choosing "yes" to the things that truly matter to us.  Things like family, creativity, and rest.

When you close your eyes, listen to the value that you would choose to inspire every aspect of your life.  Many of us conjure up words like love, kindness, generosity, and service.  However, we cannot be in full dedication to any of these values when we are chasing around approval. 

Shauna Niequist writes, "But the sweet rush of approval, the pat on the head, can often derail us from real love, and real purpose.  Time always helps me make these decisions, because if I'm rushed, I always say yes.  When I have time, I can instead say to myself:  Go back to being loved; go back to your purpose.  This thing I am being asked to do will not get me more love.  And this will not help me meet my purpose."

At our core, I believe that we all know this message to be true yet the fear of letting others down can keep us stuck in this pleasing pattern.  Stretching and reaching to do everything for everyone often plops us back home with rolling eyes and utter fatigue.  This is not the legacy we want to leave. 

Dr. Brené Brown writes, "Boundaries are hard when you want to be liked and when you are a pleaser hell-bent on being easy, fun, and flexible.  Compassionate people ask for what they need.  They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.  They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment."

This is your life.  What do you want it to be about?  Look at your planner and visualize the week ahead.  Cross out the items that are unnecessary noise.  Contact the people that you need to and tell them that you've changed your mind.  The world will not collapse.  

You, brave soul, are returning home to yourself.  You are deciding what you want your life to be about.  Yes to your purpose, your values, your people.  Yes to freedom, love, and intention.  Yes to you.

                                                                                                                                                                    - JPB

©2023 Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.

Speak.  When you've hit the wall of exhaustion, one of the keys to recovery is to share your story.  Discussing your pain, your mistakes, your questions will feel vulnerable.  It might feel as though you're shining a direct spotlight on the very thing that you've been so desperately trying to hide.  But if you have a person with whom you can share your whole heart with (not just the shiny, pretty parts) you will have taken one step closer to healing.

So what do I say?  If you're used to pressing those hard feelings down, this action step may feel too scary.  Because what if you don't have the right words?  What if someone thinks differently about you?  What if it makes everything worse?  Those are valid questions that the voice of fear will rake across your mind over and over.  The thing is, shame will continue to govern your life until you learn to speak.

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."  - Dr. Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW

When we choose to share our story with someone who is safe and trustworthy, we will often receive instant relief.  It is key that you choose someone that can hold the weight of your story without trying to judge it or fix it.  If this is a challenge for you, it might be worthwhile to seek the support of a therapist or mentor to guide you through this time in your life.  The power of empathy is so strong that shame has a hard time sticking around in the light of being seen and heard by another person.

Lastly, take notice of how you speak to yourself.  What is your tone like?  Is it nurturing or harsh?  Does this inner voice give you the sense that everything will be okay or do you feel like you're in big trouble?  If your inner voice is unkind, try this experiment:  speak to yourself like you would speak to a small child, or to your elderly grandma, or to a person that is dear to your heart.  Tell yourself that it's going to be okay.  Tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes.  Tell yourself that you have the tools to figure it out.  Tell yourself that no matter what, you are loved.  Now how do you feel?  Empathy and connection will be your superpowers,  Use them.

Speak kindly to yourself; speak your story to a chosen friend.  This is how we piece ourselves back together.  Every time you tell the truth about your life, your burden becomes lighter.  After the fall, we always rise.

                                                                                                                                                         - JPB

​©2023 Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.

*Here is a video with Dr. Brené Brown and Oprah Winfrey discussing the type of people who do not deserve the right to hear your shame story.  

What is the pace of your life?  It's likely that you often use the word "busy" when people ask how you've been.  "Busy" seems like an answer that captures the endless to-do lists, the places to be, and the many people that need attending to.  It's the answer that shows how you give and give and give until even the snooze button can't rouse you out of the fog that has surrounded your inner life.  Suddenly you're so exhausted that you can't get out of bed in the morning.  You are, in fact, perfectly tired.

The race to be "good enough" is a long one.  Shame is coaching you from the sidelines, yelling about your failings, making fun of your audacity to try, and reminding you about your deep fear of not belonging.  This race will not deliver you to the life you want at the finish line.  This race will run you right into a wall.

Our culture feeds us messages about how we should look, the things we should have, and ultimately how we should feel about the lives we have built.  The expectations are so high.  The message is to do everything, be good at all of it, and don't let your guard down because you're FINE.  But what if you look around at the life you have created and see that it looks good on the outside, but it doesn't feel so good on the inside?  

This idea of being FINE is a warning call.  It's your way of knowing that despite all appearances, you are out of balance.  You're truly not okay. You are depleted.  Spent.  Done.

A life packed with image and business can lead to aching dissatisfaction.  When we pack our lives so full that there is no longer room for creativity, self-care, and space we undoubtedly will suffer.  So how do we get back to center?  How do we undo what we have built so that we can return to ourselves and begin again?

​I will tell you, but you will have to be brave.  You will have to go against the patterns that you have practiced.  You will have to try new ways of moving through the world.

The path is the 5 S's.  I thought about making up a clever acronym, but sometimes it's enough work to just remember our own phone numbers for crying out loud.  Let's keep it simple:

1.  Speak

2.  Say NO

3.  Self-care

4.  Support

5.  Stillness

These 5 S's will take each of us where we need to go in our stories.  Each of the S's are so important that I'm going to dedicate an entire blog post to every one.  Stay tuned to discover more about Speak.

                                                                                                                                                           -JPB

​©2023 Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.

Healing is circular, much like forgiveness.  We do the work, feel stronger, and then fall again when faced with pain that is new or feels so much like the old hurt that it burns just the same.  With time the dark seasons become shorter and we begin to trust ourselves to make it through the process.  And really, there’s no other way to get there but through it.
 
One of my favorite children’s books is about a family that goes on a bear hunt.  The repeated refrain when the family meets an obstacle is, “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it – oh no!  You have to go through it!”  Ah yes, it’s the through it part that seems so difficult it drives us to pretend we’re okay, moves us to zone out in front of our iPhones, and to avoid acknowledging the deep pain that sits heavy within our hearts.
 
In my practice, I often sit with people who are in deep pain.  Sometimes another person has wounded them.  Sometimes they feel they have failed themselves in some way.  Over the course of our time together, I get to witness clients become.  But here’s the thing…they are not becoming something new.  They are becoming who they always were.
 
Therapy is about peeling back layers.  People come in with their armor on and together we pick away the pieces.  We look under their experiences, take care of the wounds, examine the stories that circle around their histories and their minds.  We come back to the center.
 
One of my favorite songs is “You Can’t Rush Your Healing” by Trevor Hall.  The lyrics sing,
"…Time is such a wonderful gift, you’re not running out, you’re really running in, confusion clouds the heart but it also points the way, quiet down the mind, the more the song will play, you can’t rush your healing, darkness has its teachings, love is never leaving, you can’t rush your healing.”  When we take the time to slow down and look inside we often find we already have everything we’ve been seeking.
 
In this season if you find yourself moving somewhere along the cycle of healing, keep going.  For the people that pass through my office, I have the privilege of watching strength, softness, and compassion return to the everyday rhythms of their lives.  The path of healing is truly an act of remembering.  Reminding us of who we are over and over. Again and again.
 
Namaste.

​©2023 Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.

Lately, the world has seemed loud and pushy to me.  I log onto social media to immediately back out as the political content can be quite overwhelming.  I certainly don’t expect everyone to agree and I think it’s important that people use social media how they see fit.  So where does that leave me?  Practicing empathy.
     What is empathy?  It seems like this touchy feely word that we throw around without really digging into it.  In short, empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  Maybe you don’t understand what the big hoopla is over a certain issue, but you know what it feels like to be afraid, or disappointed, or to feel uncertain.  Empathy is connecting to the feeling rather than to the experience.  It is a key ingredient in the recipe for being a good friend.  Instead of judging your friend about her impending divorce or her unruly child, you can pause and search within yourself for a time in your own life when you experienced heartbreak or when you felt defeated.
     Friends don’t always want our advice (or even our input!), but what we all crave so intensely is to be seen, heard, and understood.  If you are with a friend whose story has you feeling scrambled, you can simply say, “Wow, that must be so confusing” or “I can imagine that you feel ________ (insert feeling) about it”.  A few years ago, I was speaking with a mentor during a time in which I had experienced a loss and was feeling sad and uncertain.  I had poured my heart out and her response was, “I don’t know what to say right now, but I’m just so happy that you told me.”  It was such a healing response to hear her say those words as she wasn’t trying to fix me, or make me feel better, but rather to let me know that she had heard me.
     The truth is we really don’t want to be fixed.  We don’t share our hearts so that other people can make us feel better.  We reach out and share because we want to feel connected to someone else.  We want to feel less alone.  We want to belong.  Dr. Brené Brown states, “Empathy has no script.  There is no right way or wrong way to do it.  It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of, ‘you’re not alone’.”
     To ease the strain of this season, let’s all try to listen more intently to each other.  Let’s look each other in the eyes and talk over coffee.  With every fiber of our being let’s put our energy into staying open and connected.  By holding space for each other we will create stronger, deeper, more wholehearted relationships in which we can all just be who we are.
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​©2023  Jennifer Padilla-Burger, LMFT.  All rights reserved.